Should've Never Used Skype
by Darth Jadus
Summary: Lelouch's life was pretty chill for a teenage terrorist, hanging out with his bros and having game nights dictated most of his time. That was until he decided to try out Skype, now his life is filled with crazy women, idiotic friends, and senseless violence that seems to even be effecting his nightlife as Zero.
1. Chapter 1

It was a lovely fall evening as Lelouch and Rivalz began to set up their 5,000 dollar gaming computers(which they won from some dumb nobles) to play League of Legends on.

"Hey Lelouch, we should get Spinzaku to come over and play some league with us." Rivalz shouted unnecessarily.

Lelouch turned to his blue haired friend and shouted back "Dammit Rivalz, be quite! Nunnally can hear you! She's blind, not deaf jerk!"

"But you're shouting too!" Rivalz retorted.

"Shut the fuck up Rivalz!" Lelouch exclaimed.

Throwing his hands up in defeat, Rivalz replied, "Alright fine, just call him already."

"Alright, I'm going to try this Skype thing out." Lelouch announced to his friend.

Rivalz looked in shock and said "What? You never used Skype before?"

"Look, I am not familiar with this computer stuff; I'm not a nerd like you." Jested Lelouch.

"I hope your sister stabs you."

"I hope my sister tases you."

After ending their argument, they turned their attention back to their computers.

Lelouch turned on his computer and opened up his Skype, navigating through his contacts such as; Ohgi, Kallen, Clint Eastwood, Sayoko, and Nunnally.

'Wait...Why does Nunnally need a Skype? She can't even see.' Lelouch pondered to himself.

Lelouch exclaims, "Ah there's Spinzaku, and he's online right now."

"Isn't he at work right now?" Rivalz pointed out.

Lelouch replied, "He must be on his break right now."

As Lelouch moved his cursor to click the call button, the entire universe screamed at him to not press that button. Unfortunately, Lelouch could hear the universe about as well as Nunnally can see anything.

* * *

All seemed clear at a Britanian-Tokyo Base; terrorist acts were on the decline as Britanian forces were crushing all their forces across the area. This was a very enjoyable day for everyone.

Well...except for one Viceroy.

"I bet, no, I Know Kururugi has some perverted picture of my innocent, sweet Euphie on his filthy laptop." Cornelia exclaimed.

"Princess Cornelia, maybe you should calm down, I think you might be over reacting." Guilford advised.

Giving Guilford her famous "Witch of Britannia Glare", she snapped back, "How can I calm down when there may be that chance he has reveling pictures of Euphie undressing?"

Guilford could only nod in acknowledgment, as his very soul was pierced by her glare.

Suddenly the room was filled with a simple tune as the computer screen lit up with the Skype app loading on the screen.

"What the hell is this?" Cornelia asked.

Guilford looked at the screen and responded, "I believe that is a Skype call my Lady."

"Oh, I wonder what fool would be calling this idiot?" Cornelia said jokingly.

At that moment the screen displayed the name "Lelouch Lamprouge", suddenly the room went silent.

"Guilford, am I seeing this correctly? That says Lelouch right?" she said in shock.

"Yes, my Lady" Guilford replied.

"And that says Lamprouge, correct? Lady Marianne's maiden name right?" she again inquired.

Hesitantly Guilford again replied, "Yes, my Lady."

Princess Cornelia rushed to accept the call, and waited in angst as the video began to render.

She sat in awe as the screen displayed the spitting image of what she always thought what her long-lost brother would look like.

"Hey, Suzaku get your fat ass over here! Me and Rivalz are at the Ashford Academy dorms. We're about to play some League, you in?"

He paused, and realized he was not talking to his spinning friend.

"Wait, Cornelia?"

"Lelouch?!"

"Oh, Shit!" Lelouch cried as he jumped to end the call.

Everything in the office room was silent.

"Guilford." she stated in a calm voice.

"Yes, my Lady?" Guilford nervously replied.

"Send all available troops to Ashford Academy. Now." She exclaimed in a stern and commanding voice.

"And bring me my Taser."

* * *

Rivalz was dazed and confused as to why Lelouch was barricading the door with anything he could find.

"Uh, Lelouch?" asked Rivalz.

"Yeah, Rivalz?" Lelouch calmly replied while nailing wooden planks on the door and windows.

"Exactly what are you doing?" Rivalz inquired.

"Uhm, just barricading the door. Just in case something were to happen where this would be necessary, such as one of us is a long lost Britanian prince who's family just rediscovered his existence and they might use excessive force to bring him back home. But of course, that probably won't happen." Just as Lelouch finished his shotty work on the barricades.

All of a sudden they heard a loud knock on the door.

"That must be the pizza guy! I'll let you get it Rivalz; I'll be in my room getting money for the tip!" Lelouch lied.

"Uh ok, I'll just wait here while you grab the tip and look at cat videos." Rivalz said with a dumb-witted ignorance.

As Lelouch closed his door to his room and leaped under his bed, he heard a loud boom from the collapse of his once proud barricade and a stampede of footsteps that pushed him to the point of crying.

"Where is Prince Lelouch?" Lelouch heard Cornelia shout at Rivalz.

"What?" Rivalz exclaimed with an innocent voice.

"WHERE IS MY BROTHER?" She screamed at the top of her lungs.

Suddenly, Lelouch heard a buzzing sound from the next room as Rivalz yelped in pain.

"YOU CRAZY BITCH! YOU FUCKING TASED ME! Lelouch help!" Rivalz uttered out.

"So he is here, YOU LYING BITCH!" Cornelia shrieked as Lelouch heard several more buzzing sounds.

Trying to drown out the sound of the terrors coming from the next room, Lelouch began to sob uncontrollably.

As Lelouch unsuccessfully tried to get a hold of himself, he suddenly felt the cold touch of steal on his back, "Don't cry Lulu, I'll protect you! After all you promised to be with me forever!" exclaimed a familiar voice.

"Dear God, not you, anyone but you." Lelouch choked out from his tears.

"Lulu, that's not how you should treat your future wife, it seems like I'll have to discipline you." she declared in an innocent yet menacing tone.

"Dear God No!" Lelouch said as tried to flee from his attacker.

Unfortunately, Lelouch's League of Legends skills did not translate to real life and he was quickly recaptured by the fiend.

Lelouch felt a sharp pain in his right shoulder as he tried to crawl away into the other room (which at this point seemed like a much better place to be).

"Son of a bitch Euphie, you fucking stabbed me!" Lelouch bawled.

"Sorry Lulu, but when people are bad they must be punished, especially my future husband!" Euphie cutely chimed.

Lelouch heard another buzzing sound as Rivalz cried out, "Lelouch, this fucking princess keeps tasing me!"

"You think you have it bad! I just got stabbed in the fucking shoulder!"

Students began to gather near the boy's dorm that wasn't closed off by the military to hear the commotion. Although it was unnecessary because Lelouch and Rivalz's screams could be heard across the academy.

It was apparent to Lelouch at this very moment that Skype is the bane of his existence.

* * *

**Author's Note: We hope that you enjoyed the debut of "Should've Never Used Skype." Please review this story so we can try to improve our work and make the reading a better experience for all. Written and Edited by: Darth Jadus and Sugata Sempai.**


	2. Subway Sandwiches

'Out of all the ways that I thought I could die, this was most undesired and yet most likely scenario.'

Lelouch cringed as the pain in his shoulder began to magnify as Euphemia twisted the knife deeper into him. His pain was only intensified by the blood curling screams (along with those annoying buzzing sounds coming from the next room) of his friend being tased to death.

"Please for love of God, stop tasing me and let me go. Lelouch is in the other room." Rivalz said while begging for his life.

"Rivalz, will you please shut up! I'm about to have one of those flashback moments here!" Lelouch yelled as his blood loss worsened.

There was a reason that Lelouch did want to be found by his family. It was neither because of his mother's murder nor his abandonment in Japan by his dead-beat father.

It was because of certain family members of the female persuasion that instilled him with fear.

It all began on a summer day at the First Annual Royal Family Cook Out. Lelouch was only six years old when he was sitting at the boy's table with his fourteen other brothers. After getting tired of hearing his brother Clovis talking about the latest fashion line that he was producing, Lelouch headed off to the swing sets.

"First chance I get, I'm shooting him in the head." Lelouch quietly remark to himself.

As he reached his destination, he noticed a small girl struggling to swing on the swing set.

"Do you want me to help push you?" Lelouch politely asked the girl.

The girl shyly replied, "uhm, I was waiting for my big sister to help me, but she must have been distracted by all the other siblings."

"Oh, so you're my half-sister then? My name is Lelouch." Lelouch said while extending his hand.

The girl took Lelouch's hand and smiled, "My name is Euphemia, but you can call me Euphie!"

"Nice to meet you Euphie, do you want me to push you on the swing now?" asked Lelouch.

Euphemia's smile got even bigger as she nodded her head yes.

Over the next year their friendship grew larger than the desire of Clovis to make women's clothing.

They went fishing with their uncle, attended the First Annual Royal Family Bowling Competition, in which they placed third, sightseeing with Nunnally (get it, she could see back then! hahaha blind jokes), and attended Kyle Eastwood's birthday party.

You might think that Lelouch's life was going pretty good at this point, and you might be right. However, Lelouch's fortune would turn when Euphemia developed a crush on him. You see, the only person that Euphemia could go get advice from was her older sister Cornelia. This advice would turn out to be Lelouch's undoing.

This advice has led to her extremely forceful and somewhat insane actions such as; she forced him to propose to her at gunpoint, tied him up and put him in her basement (it took the authorities two weeks to find him), and broke into his house and cut multiple locks of hair off him; to name a few.

"Wait, that's it!" Lelouch mumbled as he awoke from his stress coma.

"Did you say something, dear?" Euphemia politely asked.

"Euphie, I have a marriage contract in my dresser. We can get married right now if you sign it." Lelouch promised her.

Euphemia shrieked in glee as she dashed for the dresser and began tearing it apart piece by piece.

With renewed hope, he gathered all of his strength and burst through the door. Throwing one of his patented 'Orange-kun Canisters' into the room with him for distraction.

"Come on Rivalz, we're bailing bro!" Lelouch yelled while grabbing Rivalz off the ground.

Rivalz looked through the haze of the orange gas to gaze upon his dreaded torturer.

"SO LONG YOU CRAZY BITCH!" Rivalz yelled in victory.

Recovering from the shock Cornelia barked, "What are you all standing here for, AFTER THEM!"

"YES MA'AM" They thundered.

Lelouch and Rivalz began running through the chaotic hallways, knocking over students left and right to create a barrier of the injured behind them. They turned a corner, but were cut off by Cornelia's personal knight, Guilford.

"Please halt your highness. I do not wish to harm you, but under the orders of Princess Cornelia I will if necessary." Guilford said in a stern voice.

"I don't have time for this, I Lelouch vi Britannia command you to ignore our presence here, and kick the next person chasing us in the balls!" Lelouch commanded.

"Yes, your majesty" Guilford replied.

"Come on Rivalz, let's go!"

"Wait, what was that?" Rivalz asked.

"Uh, I have really good persuasion techniques." Lelouch reassured him.

* * *

"Guilford, why did you let them go?" Darlton commanded with a scowl.

"Are you chasing those two?" Guilford asked, devoid of emotion.

"Of course, by the princess's orders" Darlton confusingly replied.

"Then I must do as I have been commanded" Guilford stated as he geared back his leg.

"Wha-"

*CRACK*

"-The fuck Guilford." Darlton snarled as he fell to the floor.

* * *

Lelouch knew that this was his worst nightmare, a nightmare that he was definitely not going to wake up from and find out that it was just a sick dream that his brain made up to just be a dick.

And he was right, because he and his friend were on the run from the local military, police, and the dorm maintenance crew for unleashing an orange canister.

After taking a turn into an alley, taking the opportunity to catch their breath, Lelouch began to plot their next move.

Lelouch took out his Android because fuck Apple, he went to the Google map app to look where they should head to next.

"Ok, if we go pass that Five Guys place, we should be able to get help with some friends of mine."

After seeing what happened earlier Rivalz knew better than to question anything involving Lelouch anymore so he just nodded for Lelouch to continue.

"Then we ca-"

Suddenly Lelouch's Android news alert app started to go off.

_"This just in: Prince Lelouch vi Britannia has just been found alive, but unfortunately has been taken hostage by an angsty teenager known as Rivalz Cardemonde."_

Lelouch turned to his friend to see the shock on his "angsty" face, and turned back to the screen.

_"If anyone has seen the culprit and the captive please contact the local law enforcement agency and collect your reward of $400,000."_

Knowing that the situation has gone from shit to utter bullshit, Lelouch went to his contacts list to call the only man he could rely on in this crisis.

"Hey, Clint…. Yeah it's me …. I need you to come to Tokyo and bail us out …. Oh, you're at a movie screening for The Jersey Boys right now ….. Ok, sorry for calling."

"Well, we're screwed." Lelouch turned to Rivalz.

Having enough Rivalz decided now was the time to complain.

"Screwed doesn't even describe it Lelouch, I mean how in the hell did today get so bad."

Not bothering to notice that Lelouch was making strange gaping noises and trying to get his attention, Rivalz continued.

"All I wanted was to play some League, but that fucking Skype call screwed us all over, and now we're on the run because the Fuzz believes that I kidnapped you."

Rivalz wiped the tears his eyes, while Lelouch just started running in the direction that they came from.

"And worst of all that psycho Bitch tased me in the fucking nuts man."

...

"Lelouch?"

...

Opening his eyes, he noticed that his friend was nowhere in sight, and began to recognize the sound of a bunch of footsteps behind him.

Turning around, he saw an army of police men with unnecessary equipment such as rocket launchers and Humvees with rocket launchers.

Not sure on what to say, on the count that his friend just left him to fend for himself against the entire police force in the city, Rivalz just went to have a stare down with the cops.

"Aren't you guys supposed to tell me my righ-"

Before he could finish one of the police hit him on the head with a nightstick.

Before the darkness engulfed him Rivalz heard one thing that made him wish that he died from the tasing.

"Boy I hope you have anal cream, because you're going to prison boy."

'Fuck.' Rivalz moaned.

* * *

Charles was not a man to be surprised by anything.

After all surviving a blood thirsty war for the throne taught you how to grow a pair.

And being part of a plan with your immortal brother and technically dead and technically alive wife to kill God you would think he would have seen and heard it all.

But now he was completely stumped on what his older brother just told him.

"What do you mean that you're done with the Ragnarok Connection plan?"

V2 put his hands behind his head looking embarrassed.

"Well you see I just think that this whole thing is kind of getting stupid, I mean I killed your wife who in turn possessed a girl to live and you kicked your kids out of the country to save them from me because you don't trust them with after that time that I lost them at the park, twice."

Then V2 took out a Visor and started to walk out of Charles office.

"And I kind of got my dream job as a Bass Pro Fisher so I really don't want the current world to end."

As V2 left, Charles could only think on what to do now that the plan that they been working on for years collapsed in minutes.

Then he realized something.

Grinning ear to ear, Charles realized that this is the perfect opportunity to stop being a deadbeat dad and hang out with his secretly favorite son.

"But how?" Charles asked himself.

Hoping to find some advice Charles started to look through the internet in hope of help, and then he found something.

**HELP WANTED**

**Do you hate Britannia? Do you want to see the world and fight for justice?**

**Then the Black Knights want you! **

**Fill out this application and send it to the nearest Black Knight Recruiter or post your resume at /NotLelouchViBritannia**

**DEATH TO BRITIANNIA!**

Smiling widely, Charles just found his answer.

* * *

**NEXT TIME ON THE NEXT EXICTING EPISODE OF DRAGON BALL Z**

Woops wrong series

"**I always knew that bastard was a bad influence on my big brother" Nunnally told the news reporter.**

"**Zero I would like to introduce our newest member."**

"**HELLO MY SO- I mean HELLO MY LEADER NAMED ZERO WHO IS NO WAY RELEATED TO ME THE GREAT EMPEROR CHARL- I MEAN BLACK VIPER IN ANY SHAPE OR FORM!"**

"**Sorry Darlton, but we had to remove your left testicle."**

"**DAMN YOU GUILDFORD!"**

**Rivalz looked towards his cell and found a heavy set black man staring at him**

"**Pull down those pants pretty boy and put on this wig, I want some of that sweet ass."**

"**I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE LELOUCH!"**

* * *

**AN: Sorry for the wait, Sugata and I both been busy. We plan on writing more frequently so that you don't have to wait every two months. Also, please leave a review to tell us on how you felt us about this chapter, until next time. Darth Jadus and Sugata Sempai.**


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